Words

For the weeks,  months and years since my Mother's death, I have used this blog to express my feelings. This was my one place where I could say what I needed to get past the pain and begin to heal.

I don't feel that way anymore. That was taken away from me today and I am struggling through the shock and pain. I had said my piece here and had the verbal discussion. Steps were taken beyond that and I thought all was well.


And then today... well let's just say I was unprepared for the onslaught. I had my place of peace violated and the pain is intense. Because of certain parameters, I am going to choose to not discuss certain things here. Ever. Good or bad. Because to just discuss the good seems false. Fake.


I am floundering right now. I am honestly at a loss to remember the last time I felt any joy. Right now I can tell you that I am barely hanging on. As my facebook status Friday night stated, I am at rock bottom.


Except that it doesn't seem to end. I think I now know the definition of Hell. It is not fire and brimstone and Satan. Hell is the bottomless pit of despair that has you crying all day and night and wondering just how sad one person can be before they are just done.

My Word Of The Year: LESS

I completely stole this idea from somewhere on the blog world.  It seems everyone is defining their lives by a word of the year and I decided after this horrendous morning that I definitely had a word I would like to embrace.

LESS

 So far, 2012 is shaping up horribly and I, for one, am done with it. So here goes my list:

1. Less consumption of consumer products
2. Less eating out
3. Less DRAMA
4. Less anxiety
5. Less spending
6. Less cursing
7. Less worry
8. Less negativity
9. Less letting other people affect my moods
10. Less trying to make others into what I think they were meant to be
11. Less taking care of everyone else and neglecting me
12. Less procrastination
13. Less excuses
14. Less weight
15. Less debt (hahahahahahahahahhahaah and I had such great plans-- I refuse to give up hope yet)
16. Less pain
17. Less isolation
18. Less tears
19. Less clutter
20. Less sugar
21. Less Sadness

What's your word for the year?

beaucoup de bisous

Snowflake Update

So far, in two weeks, I have paid an extra $109.00 on my smallest debt-- the fridge... It is due to be paid off NO LATER THAN 4/18 and I start on debt number 2.


Wouldn't ya know it? I am doing the laundry this morning and am switching the first load from the washer to the dryer and realize I am standing in water.

Whoa! I mention this to John - who is making banana bread at the time. He asked me if I had the washer set on high. I did. He said it happened to him the other day when he was doing laundry (yes he does his own-- roomies don't do each other's laundry lol). He said I needed to reset it and then move it two clicks down from high.

I decided I could just do smaller loads. He thinks it is the top seal and I know the machine is about a decade old... so I guess we are lining up our appliances...

Sheesh, first the oven (but it was 41 years old), then the fridge and now on the list are:

1. the hot water heater
2. the washing machine
3. the dryer (cuz John says you have to buy them both at the same time-- frankly I think that's nuts but hey... we made a deal.. I buy the washer and he buys the dryer) 

So in addition to snowflaking and snowballing, I am going to start saving funds to my emergency fund and when the time comes to replace said appliances (ya know, except number 3) I am going to use emergency funds instead of putting another appliance back on credit. Dave Ramsey would be so proud. 






beaucoup de bisous

Deep thoughts

I am trying to become a person who is more grateful for the things I have rather than sad about the things I don't.

I am trying to teach myself not to want things. Especially those that involve other people.

I am trying to accept that I can influence no one else's emotions other than my own.

I am trying to accept that I am good enough even if no one else believes I am. 

beaucoup de bisous

Weight Loss Challenge

I joined the 10-pound Challenge, hosted by Newlyweds on a Budget. Lose 10 pounds in 12 weeks, win $$$. Are you in?



Every little bit helps and since one of the 2012 goals is to lose 50 pounds-- this works just fine!

beaucoup de bisous

My First Snowflake

 In addition to paying my first extra payment to my lowest debt in the snowball list; I returned a pair of defective boots and was given a refund of 38.00. So I made my first snowflake and decided that I already had a pair of boots and didn't need to buy another. I sent the refund amount directly to the creditor so I will have two credits to the account this week alone.

The entire account is scheduled to be paid by April 18 to avoid any of the interest. Our refrigerator died in 2011 and we bought another one with this pay off by a certain time and avoid all interest. That drop dead date is April 18 so I am determined that it will be paid off by then.

Because I refuse to get this close-- only about 600 left on it and then get stuck with all the old interest. So no matter what, it is paid in full come 4/18 and then all of the funds used to pay on that debt will go to the next one on the list!

I am super excited; the old me would have said: "oh an extra 38 bucks... I can splurge on something frivolous." The new me  made a snowflake! YAY!!!!

beaucoup de bisous